One is always chasing the other.
I seriously don’t ever run.
I am running right now..
I am getting so tired…
Back and forth.. October 11, 2008
Just breathe.. September 30, 2008
I am trying not to worry about it..
but it’s really hard not to.
I still have a few days to wait.
That’s a few days of imagining worst case scenarios and freaking myself out.
I really need to ask myself if it’s still worth it.
Oh eff. September 23, 2008
I am sick and so cranky.
School is already taking a beating on me.
I am worried about a million other things.
I just want a really, really long nap.
Just saying… September 16, 2008
I seriously surprise myself sometimes.
I felt more than confident today.
Dare I say… fearless?
Either way..
Today was definitely a good day.
Oh goodness.. September 14, 2008
Unbelievable.
That is beyond scary.
That could have been me.
Or one of my friends.
Holy shit.
It’s been a while.. September 13, 2008
I totally forgot I had this blog. I knew that would happen sooner or later..
I’m going through this whole self-realization thing. I just turned 20 and I thought I had a pretty good grasp about what type of person I am. That may not be the case.
My life consists of nothing but school right now. Which is something that I had accepted 3 years ago. I hate realizing now that I had it all wrong… my career choice has changed dramatically. It’s great that I finally know where my life is headed… sucks that I realized it after I’ve completed 3/4 of my degree.
I hate thinking that I might not have the strength to make it through.
I hate being unsure of myself, at least in that respect.
I hate that some things will never change.
I hate the situation that I continue to find myself in.
I hate feeling like I am stuck.
But I know I’m not. I will find my way through it, eventually.
I have way more to offer the world than I ever could have imagined.
I love the fact that I am smart, beautiful, and now I am more bold than ever.
I am starting to understand what I want.
I can admit to being selfish right now and I don’t necessarily feel guilty for looking out for myself.
I am “coming into my own”, I guess.
I love who I am. I love being a woman. I love being a Black woman.
I embrace those parts of my identity.
I love the amazing people I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am thankful for a certain friend who reminded me that it’s okay to have a minor breakdown, when it all gets to be too much. You do not have to be strong all the time. You are not a lesser person if you show any type of weakness.
I am thankful for the friends I’ve reconnected with. I have missed you more than you could ever imagine. It’s good to have you back. Thank you for always coming back.
I’m over those people that keep trying to pull you back into the drama. The stupidest things ever somehow managed to be the high points of your day. So I walked away… after I laughed and said “fuck you”.
(Because I can do that now.)
I could go on forever.
My point is..
I am learning about myself all over again.
It’s scary and empowering at the same time..
So what has changed?
At least now, I am hopeful.
An open letter July 20, 2008
To You:
You sound stupid when you’re all together.
You have no consideration for other people.
It is painful to witness how far your ignorance extends. It is absolutely limitless.
I can’t understand why I ever let myself be surrounded by such negativity.
The worst thing? You will never realize anything is wrong with the type of people you are. Thank goodness you have each other. But only each other. Don’t forget that.
I was the exception. But not anymore.
I’m writing this to remind myself that I want absolutely nothing to do with you. I am sad that I ignored some of my most important beliefs and compromised bits of myself for YOU. I convinced myself that YOU were worth the conflict.
I am still is disbelief that I let so many things go; everyone slips up sometimes right? I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Never again.
Because when it comes down to it…
bitches don’t run shit.
Love,
Nicki
School stuff July 20, 2008
I’m officially a “University” student now. Oh joy.
I don’t really know how I feel about that yet. I am seriously going to miss GMac.
I can’t believe that is nowhere near September 3rd and I am already stressed about school.
I’m kind of annoyed that all the classes I need to take are already full. I’m have a gazillion classes on my watchlist and I’ve become obsessive about checking my email to see if anyone has dropped one of these classes. I think I check every 15 minutes now.
So that has actually added so much more stress to my life. I have no idea what my schedule will be like. I hate feeling so unprepared. I hate waiting and having no answers! BAH!
Congratulations! July 20, 2008
Yay for Mike and Angel and the birth of their beautiful little girl, Liliana Grace.
Yay for Damien for becoming an older brother!
One big happy family 
