Nonsense. November 6, 2008

I do not understand this whole phenomenon of non-confrontational confrontations… aka INTERNET beef.

Yes, I realize the hypocrisy of blogging about it.
Shut up. It’s my blog, I can do whatever I want.

Anyways.
Why would you bitch about a problem you have with me and air your shit over the net like that… as opposed to actually talking to me? How does that make any sense?
All it does is make me resent you for your immaturity.
Really, all it does is piss me off and not respect you.
And it is NOT okay for me to be getting a swarm of text messages from random people asking me what the hell is going on.

So whatever. You can have your internet beef because I don’t want any part of it.
Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather fight with you to your face.
At least then you *know* how angry I am.
Let’s just say, the internet would do no justice to my feelings of contempt at the moment.

It is just so unbelievably stupid.

Call it a Moment of Weakness October 28, 2008

1. I am so unbelievably exhausted by it all. But perseverance is key…

2. My life could drastically change in January. I don’t know how that will go.
   
3. To… you:
   Where are you? Can you even hear me?
   Be a presence in my life, if you’re going to be there.

4. I don’t think any of it is fair. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Probably.
   Until I can find a solution, I’m allowed to be sad.
   
5. I am feeling a whole bunch of things that I can barely admit to myself, let alone to you.
   
6. It always comes down to one person… but it’s never the same person for me.

7. Oh, and that*…? It could be better.
   

P.S October 26, 2008

It is not okay that you can disappear for weeks at a time.
You might be busy. But so am I.
And even if I am, I still manage to drop everything for you when you decide to show your face.

It’s been a while.. September 13, 2008

I totally forgot I had this blog. I knew that would happen sooner or later..

I’m going through this whole self-realization thing. I just turned 20 and I thought I had a pretty good grasp about what type of person I am.  That may not be the case.

My life consists of nothing but school right now. Which is something that I had accepted 3 years ago. I hate realizing now that I had it all wrong… my career choice has changed dramatically. It’s great that I finally know where my life is headed… sucks that I realized it after I’ve completed 3/4 of my degree.

I hate thinking that I might not have the strength to make it through.
I hate being unsure of myself, at least in that respect.

I hate that some things will never change.
I hate the situation that I continue to find myself in.
I hate feeling like I am stuck.

But I know I’m not. I will find my way through it, eventually.

I have way more to offer the world than I ever could have imagined.
I love the fact that I am smart, beautiful, and now I am more bold than ever.
I am starting to understand what I want.
I can admit to being selfish right now and I don’t necessarily feel guilty for looking out for myself.

I am “coming into my own”, I guess.

I love who I am. I love being a woman. I love being a Black woman.
I embrace those parts of my identity.

I love the amazing people I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am thankful for a certain friend who reminded me that it’s okay to have a minor breakdown, when it all gets to be too much. You do not have to be strong all the time. You are not a lesser person if you show any type of weakness.
I am thankful for the friends I’ve reconnected with. I have missed you more than you could ever imagine. It’s good to have you back. Thank you for always coming back.

I’m over those people that keep trying to pull you back into the drama. The stupidest things ever somehow managed to be the high points of your day. So I walked away… after I laughed and said “fuck you”.

(Because I can do that now.)
I could go on forever.
My point is..

I am learning about myself all over again.
It’s scary and empowering at the same time..

So what has changed?
At least now, I am hopeful.

An open letter July 20, 2008

To You:

You sound stupid when you’re all together.
You have no consideration for other people.
It is painful to witness how far your ignorance extends. It is absolutely limitless.

I can’t understand why I ever let myself be surrounded by such negativity.

The worst thing? You will never realize anything is wrong with the type of people you are. Thank goodness you have each other. But only each other. Don’t forget that.

I was the exception. But not anymore.

I’m writing this to remind myself that I want absolutely nothing to do with you. I am sad that I ignored some of my most important beliefs and compromised bits of myself for YOU. I convinced myself that YOU were worth the conflict.

I am still is disbelief that I let so many things go; everyone slips up sometimes right? I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Never again.
Because when it comes down to it…

bitches don’t run shit.

Love,
Nicki